The choices

Last week, I happened to come across a very informative and burning topic in the Times of India newspaper. I generally do not read newspaper because it has no other informative news but only about murder, robbery, corruption, fiasco of Indian team in Australia etc. I would rather read something which tells me something new. It is all the same from so many years now!

So, coming back to the article, it dealt about the current scenario of bringing up kids and how it is getting difficult for the parents to spend quality time with their kids. To give them the best in this competitive world, both parents have to work and be out of the house for more than 9 hours and then the kid is left in the crèche or with the house-maid or with grandparents. And then there are new problems keeping them with these people also. Children get more attached to the house maid than the parents and they see parents as earning machines only to fulfill the children’s desires. That was quite alarming to read.

I am currently in a phase where I see myself become a parent in some months and then I have to think about how should I spend time with my kid? First 6 months are definitively dedicated to my baby. We both have to get adjusted to each other. But then later, how should it be? Should I take up a 9-6 job, away from home and keep him/her in a crèche or pick up some freelancing work at home and also be an active member in his/her upbringing? This is going to be a different phase of my life and yet exciting. Bringing up a child with the right balance is very difficult today. I grew up with my grandparents, but with the right amount of discipline and balance. I was applauded for doing my home-work and studies with concentration and was also reprimanded when I did a mistake. My father spanked me for not being obedient, only sometimes though. But today, spanking has taken a back-seat and the relationship between parents and their wards is getting more dynamic.

I cannot expect my parents or in-laws to leave their home town and come to Bangalore for the sake of looking after my child when I go out to earn. It is not right on my part, I feel. They have their own lives there, their friends circle there. They have been staying there all their lives. Now uprooting them from that place and asking them to re-settle here, in a new city, without friends around is not advisable. If someone asks me to settle down in Mumbai now, I would think twice. So, if I think of it, it would be extremely difficult for them to settle here, leaving their home-town. They would not say no, out of love for me and my kid, but then it would be my selfishness to call them here for good! One of my friends once told me that one should think of giving birth to a child once when we have a strong support of in-laws and parents to take care of our child. I was speechless. Should we bring children to this world for our own happiness or for our parents and in-laws so that they can take care of the kids and we go out? Isn’t our child our responsibility? We can always ask for help from the elders, but engaging them full time for our kid?? No ways!

The next choice for me would be to keep my child in a crèche. This doesn’t sound very promising to me, right now. I think that the kid needs his parents for at least 5 yrs to become independent and mingle with the outside world. I do not mind sending my kid to a playschool for 3-4 hrs, but definitely not the whole day! I also know it is equally important to earn money to be able to give the best to your kid, but then somehow the thought of earning money and going out for job at the cost of my kid’s wonder years is not appealing to me right now. I am obviously not keen on “wasting” my talent and education in sitting at home entirely. Once the baby grows, starts going to school, I would like to get back to my favorite job, which is teaching and also look out for freelancing options in the translation industry. Getting back to a 9-6 job right now looks a distant dream for me. I am lucky enough to get jobs at home, but not all working moms are lucky. I have seen women in my company struggling with their kids. One friend of mine has kept her son with her parents, who stay in another town and she sees him only on weekends. The kid misses his parents enormously and this friend waits the whole week to see her child, but then there is no other option available right now. She plans to quit soon to be with her boy, but I am afraid by that time, the kid would have already become cold and distant towards her.  

2 of my close friends have given up their good jobs for the sake of starting a family. One of my elder sisters, who has done a MBA, is still at home, looking after her son and husband. She plans to start working soon, but then is not getting the right impetus. My aunt, who is highly intelligent, has chosen to be at home to look after her two growing kids in the US. In case of my aunt and sisters, their husbands are really earning well and it is fine, if they are not working right now. From my perspective, it is a good decision that they have put their family first, but if you ask a careerist woman, she would laugh and scorn at them. Managing both ends appears easy for such women from outside when they try to shuffle between their jobs and home. But then I really doubt if they are able to give justice to their personal lives when they are in a high position and are in stressful situations most of the time. Kids are left on their own, parents have no clue of what is going on in their lives and thus they get farther away from each other.

My parents and husband would ridicule for me for giving up my high paying job to look after the baby, but then that is the way I want it to be. I want to be very much there when my kid starts taking the first step, utters the first syllable in his life, calls me “aai”, attempts to run and then fall and get up again, starts to read and sing!! I want to be the first witness of all the important developments in his life for the first formative years. Work and money can always come later in life, but not these years!

Given a choice, what would a mother in you like to do?

What would you choose? Career, money or the kid? And why?