The choices

Last week, I happened to come across a very informative and burning topic in the Times of India newspaper. I generally do not read newspaper because it has no other informative news but only about murder, robbery, corruption, fiasco of Indian team in Australia etc. I would rather read something which tells me something new. It is all the same from so many years now!

So, coming back to the article, it dealt about the current scenario of bringing up kids and how it is getting difficult for the parents to spend quality time with their kids. To give them the best in this competitive world, both parents have to work and be out of the house for more than 9 hours and then the kid is left in the crèche or with the house-maid or with grandparents. And then there are new problems keeping them with these people also. Children get more attached to the house maid than the parents and they see parents as earning machines only to fulfill the children’s desires. That was quite alarming to read.

I am currently in a phase where I see myself become a parent in some months and then I have to think about how should I spend time with my kid? First 6 months are definitively dedicated to my baby. We both have to get adjusted to each other. But then later, how should it be? Should I take up a 9-6 job, away from home and keep him/her in a crèche or pick up some freelancing work at home and also be an active member in his/her upbringing? This is going to be a different phase of my life and yet exciting. Bringing up a child with the right balance is very difficult today. I grew up with my grandparents, but with the right amount of discipline and balance. I was applauded for doing my home-work and studies with concentration and was also reprimanded when I did a mistake. My father spanked me for not being obedient, only sometimes though. But today, spanking has taken a back-seat and the relationship between parents and their wards is getting more dynamic.

I cannot expect my parents or in-laws to leave their home town and come to Bangalore for the sake of looking after my child when I go out to earn. It is not right on my part, I feel. They have their own lives there, their friends circle there. They have been staying there all their lives. Now uprooting them from that place and asking them to re-settle here, in a new city, without friends around is not advisable. If someone asks me to settle down in Mumbai now, I would think twice. So, if I think of it, it would be extremely difficult for them to settle here, leaving their home-town. They would not say no, out of love for me and my kid, but then it would be my selfishness to call them here for good! One of my friends once told me that one should think of giving birth to a child once when we have a strong support of in-laws and parents to take care of our child. I was speechless. Should we bring children to this world for our own happiness or for our parents and in-laws so that they can take care of the kids and we go out? Isn’t our child our responsibility? We can always ask for help from the elders, but engaging them full time for our kid?? No ways!

The next choice for me would be to keep my child in a crèche. This doesn’t sound very promising to me, right now. I think that the kid needs his parents for at least 5 yrs to become independent and mingle with the outside world. I do not mind sending my kid to a playschool for 3-4 hrs, but definitely not the whole day! I also know it is equally important to earn money to be able to give the best to your kid, but then somehow the thought of earning money and going out for job at the cost of my kid’s wonder years is not appealing to me right now. I am obviously not keen on “wasting” my talent and education in sitting at home entirely. Once the baby grows, starts going to school, I would like to get back to my favorite job, which is teaching and also look out for freelancing options in the translation industry. Getting back to a 9-6 job right now looks a distant dream for me. I am lucky enough to get jobs at home, but not all working moms are lucky. I have seen women in my company struggling with their kids. One friend of mine has kept her son with her parents, who stay in another town and she sees him only on weekends. The kid misses his parents enormously and this friend waits the whole week to see her child, but then there is no other option available right now. She plans to quit soon to be with her boy, but I am afraid by that time, the kid would have already become cold and distant towards her.  

2 of my close friends have given up their good jobs for the sake of starting a family. One of my elder sisters, who has done a MBA, is still at home, looking after her son and husband. She plans to start working soon, but then is not getting the right impetus. My aunt, who is highly intelligent, has chosen to be at home to look after her two growing kids in the US. In case of my aunt and sisters, their husbands are really earning well and it is fine, if they are not working right now. From my perspective, it is a good decision that they have put their family first, but if you ask a careerist woman, she would laugh and scorn at them. Managing both ends appears easy for such women from outside when they try to shuffle between their jobs and home. But then I really doubt if they are able to give justice to their personal lives when they are in a high position and are in stressful situations most of the time. Kids are left on their own, parents have no clue of what is going on in their lives and thus they get farther away from each other.

My parents and husband would ridicule for me for giving up my high paying job to look after the baby, but then that is the way I want it to be. I want to be very much there when my kid starts taking the first step, utters the first syllable in his life, calls me “aai”, attempts to run and then fall and get up again, starts to read and sing!! I want to be the first witness of all the important developments in his life for the first formative years. Work and money can always come later in life, but not these years!

Given a choice, what would a mother in you like to do?

What would you choose? Career, money or the kid? And why?

Tujhyasaathi

चाहूल तुझी
लागता
मी मोहरून गेले
तुझा आगमन
लवकरच होणार
ह्याने मी अत्यंत
भारावून गेले..

तू कोणासारखा दिसशील?
असा हसशील की तशी रडशील?
तुझे केस कसे असतील?
टपोरे घारे डोळे
की बाबासारखे मधाळ?
पण मुख्य म्हणजे तू कसा ही असलास आणि दिसलास तरी
आमचा असशील!

छकुले /छकुल्या ..
तुझी वाट बघत
तुझी स्वप्न रंगवत
रोज तुझ्याशी बोलत
तुला गोष्ट  सांगण्यात
आता दिवस भुर्कन उडून जातील...

आणि मग

तुला हातात घेईन तेव्हा 
मला काय वाटेल
तू मला आई केलस
ह्या भावनेने तर मला रडूच येईल

मग सुरु होईल एक सुंदर प्रवास
तुला वाढवण्याचा आणि
तुझ्याबरोबर मला ही भरपूर काही शिकायचा

The decision

Moving to the new house, our own house in June last year proved very lucky for us.

We got to know that a new member is going to join us by April 2012 and our joy knew no bounds. Our parents, grandparents, friends, well wishers were very happy for us and then suddenly one more opportunity knocked our doors. Atul was waiting for this opportunity all this while and finally it came his way. That opportunity was going to Germany for 2 years starting January 2012.

I didn’t know whether I should have been happy to hear this or sad because he won’t be there when the baby arrives. That last 3 months of pregnancy, called as the last trimester are the most exciting months, when you actually feel the baby’s movements and get connected to it by talking to him/her and bonding with the baby. He won’t be able to enjoy a single moment of it. We even checked the possibility if I can join Atul in January itself. The company was going to bear all expenses from the time I would have been there. Atul was excited about this option, but then..

The expenses were not my only concern..

This was my first experience of becoming a mother. And that too was coming to me after a long wait. I didn’t want anything to go wrong with this chance. In Germany, there are advanced facilities available which would have made the experience of pregnancy and delivery a very different and memorable one, perhaps! But my people, my parents and my in-laws, my close friends wouldn’t have been there in person with me to be my emotional support. The feeling that somebody is there to take care of you when it is most needed is so heartening, that I couldn’t imagine myself alone in the last days of pregnancy in Germany, doing everything by myself. No doubt Atul would have been there, but still he would be busy in his office work and travelling and there are certain limitations when it comes to men. The pain and trauma which a woman goes through during delivery cannot be fathomed by any man. Besides when the baby would have arrived, there would be no people around to welcome the baby and be happy about it. It is so very cold outside when it comes to expressing such joys! Perhaps my mother-in-law or mother would have joined me there in the last days of pregnancy, but then it was not feasible and there was also a big language problem. They do not know German or can’t speak English very fluently to communicate with the doctors there. So, I had to take a crucial and major decision.

I cried and was sad for a few days after learning that Atul wouldn’t’ be there during the birth of our child. But then I had to be strong. He also tried to cheer me up saying that I was not going to be alone in Bangalore, he was going to be alone in Germany! Yes, he was right. My parents and in-laws would be there, by my side when the baby arrives. My friends, their love, care, support would be very helpful to me to overcome this last stage of pregnancy very easily. So, I decided to stay back and finish the delivery in Bangalore itself and join Atul later when the baby is at least 6 months old. Atul would want us both to join him at the earliest, but then it depends on my and baby’s health at that time. And at this time, we really cannot decide anything till baby arrives. With a 3 month old baby, travelling to Germany all by myself and taking care of the baby and doing all household chores there looks a herculean task to me right now. But Atul gave me good piece of mind and asked me to shed my inhibitions and just go for it. Don’t underestimate yourself, is what he told me. But then it is not underestimation, but a fear of unknown. If I was alone, I would have managed anyhow. But with the baby, things are going to be different. His sleep timing, eating habits will keep on changing almost every day till he gets 6 months old. It is not a rocket science to look after the baby, but every day will give me a new insight and experience in bringing it up! It will make me a good multi-tasker of household chores. Haven’t done it since a few years now! I have a good learning scope in near future J

So now the scene is..

Atul will leave alone for Germany next week and come back when the baby arrives and then baby and I will travel sometime in Sep/October to be with him for a few months.

Amen!

New year - new celebrations

People,

Do not get surprised by this new theme of my blog.

I have purposely chosen the theme "Celebration" because this year is going to be the most wonderful year of my life. My baby is going to be with me soon. The bundle of joy is finally going to arrive in my hands and bless me with it's presence. The year is going to make me a mother. Mother, the word which encompasses everything related to love and emotions on this earth. I am going to get a new life of a nurturer, care-taker and loving mother. I am all geared up for this phase. I know it is going to entirely change my life, but then change is another name of life. What is life if it is same, old, monotonous everyday? Isn't it?

There has to be thrill and learning in each day and that is going to be an evident part of my life as the baby grows! I am going to keep in my mind, that my baby is going to be an independent personality with his/her own thoughts, desires and aims. I am not going to force my aspirations or unfulfilled desires on the baby. My baby is taking birth in my house because it has to perform certain pre-destined roles in his life. I am just going to be the medium through which he/she is going to achieve and am going to help him/her achieve whatever good he/she wants in life. I am going to be his teacher, mentor and am going to grow as a person in return.

The countdown of last 3 months begins!