Bitter and sweet

Immediately after I came back from Germany in October, we had planned a quick trip to Pune and then my native place in Mumbai. Tanay had turned 7 months old then and the “JaavaL” (ceremony of removing hair) was due. So we first went to Pune, finished off that ritual on the w/e and then Atul went back to Bangalore on the same day. I stayed on with Tanay for next few days. I wanted Tanay to spend his first Diwali (Festival of lights) with his grandparents and in their house.

I did not know that there were surprises and lessons for me in store during this stay.

As you all would have realized by reading about Tanay now that he is extremely social and loveable baby. He keeps on smiling all the time and likes to be surrounded by people so that they can talk to him and play with him. To his surprise, there was one more person this time, his blood relative in the house (@ Pune) and that person hardly paid any attention to this little fellow.  I will call that person X as I do not want to name him or her in a public forum. Tanay’s squeals of laughter, his cries, his tears, and his playful demeanor did not move X at all. Tanay’s face was a sight to see. Poor baby!! He tried hard to seek X’s attention, but X has forgotten to smile in his life, I guess! Because X had some problems with me and my husband once upon a time, X passed that anger and sour attitude to this little baby also. I had a faint hope that X would have changed for good and the arrival of a small member would change the equation between us. But no, I was mistaken. I felt very bad for my baby. X neither played with him nor spoke to him lovingly or took him in his arms. No doubt X got some trendy clothes for Tanay, but then what was the use of these materialistic things when X could not display any warm feelings or emotions towards such an extremely cute baby. I would have thrown those clothes away or given them to the needy people, but so that my family members won’t feel bad, I had to carry them to Bangalore. I haven’t put on for Tanay yet, do not feel like. X hardly took notice of me or spoke to me. I was not moved at all, was rather expecting that. I have now gone beyond all the emotions of getting hurt and sitting brooding over it, thinking about why this person behaved like this or why this person said like this. Now nothing else matters to me than my son, who is the most important to me in my life. Even when we left the house to come back to Bangalore, X did not bid us a goodbye. We do not know when we will see each other again or if we will ever see each other again. X did not even acknowledge our exit. I really felt pity for X. X was left bereft of a wonderful baby like Tanay. It was X’s bad luck that this person did not interact with such a sweet natured baby in a way which was usually expected from Tanay’s blood relative. Anyways, Tanay won’t even remember or recognize X the next time he sees X, which is a good thing. But I will not be able to forget this episode for a very long time.

Cut to Mumbai,

I visited my grandmother who is 80 years old and she was waiting to see her great grandson from the time he was born. So in my super short trip to Mumbai, I had to keep 1 day aside for her. She was so overwhelmed by seeing such an active and cute baby that she wanted us to stay for some more days, but unfortunately that was not possible. To give you all a background about my next experience, there has been fallout in the past between my maternal uncle and my mom for some misunderstanding created by his wife and from past 5 years, we are out of touch. I was the world for my maternal uncle and suddenly he cut all his contacts with me for no fault of mine. I did not even get time to clear my side or ask him the reason for not talking to me. I accepted the fact that we were destined to be associated only till that period and I moved on, so did he and his family. Off late, my mother told me that he has started visiting and talking to her and she did take that sportingly, but now the emotions were dead. It has just remained a formality for her. My grandmother had told my uncle that I was going to visit her with my son and there was a faint ray of hope in my heart that he would come and see my little one because he had become a grandfather. Again, here my hopes were dashed and he proved again that nothing had really changed between us. Anyways, I am not really sure when I would ever be meeting him in my life with Tanay in Mumbai again.

And on the contrary, our (my and my hubby’s) common friends came to see Tanay with such enthusiasm. My mom’s very close friend and her husband came over at night just because they wanted to see me. They got gifts for him, blessed him, played with him, and talked to him. They came after office, they were extremely tired, but they took some time out. They did not want to miss this chance of seeing me and Tanay as I said earlier; I really do not know when a trip to Mumbai will be possible with him again. What was their relation with Tanay? He was my son, for them I was important and they came for me to see my son.

These two experiences strengthened my belief in the fact that ties and bonds made by the heart out of love and mutual respect are greater than the ties of blood. I have had these experiences in my immediate family, what else could I have expected from others, who were not a part of my family. But I got immense love, attention and care from all my near and dear and close friends. I do not know if I can ever thank them for being with me through thick and thin. I pity X and my maternal uncle’s family for missing the chance to interact with their very own kin.

Maybe they were not destined this happiness…

A new innings

 Getting back to work almost after 8 months is little difficult.

Managing 12 hours outside home when you have a baby at home is all the more difficult. But every working mother goes through this some or the other time. And there are quite a few challenges in this new role of a working mother. There are a quite a few friends of mine who have given up their careers for the sake of bringing up their own children. They might have not got or asked for any help from their parents or in-laws owing to circumstances and they might be also reluctant to send their kids to the creche. Moreover, they might want to be there in every moment of their child's development. I really respect such women. Being at home for the kid 24/7 and adjusting days, months and years together around the child's routine is really something. I had this experience for a month when I was alone with Tanay in Germany. I will admit here that I had also fancied the idea of taking a long break and looking after Tanay for at least 2 years and then start looking for opportunities, but then once you are out of touch and out of the circle, you are lost. Thanks to my hubby, he encouraged me to take up a good opportunity and I got back to work again.

It was difficult initially for the idea to sink in that I will have to leave Tanay and go to office. I thought, he won't miss me or recognize me. But that was again a fancy thing to think. How can a baby not miss or recognize his own mother? He would take some time to establish the idea of mom and dad and they not being around, but he will definitely acknowledge their presence once they are in front of his eyes. How stupid my thinking was! Being able to work and earn and be independent is definitely a wonderful feeling. Being able to earn in a field which you really like is a blessing in itself. You not only enjoy it, but at the end of the day, you leave the office with a feeling that I am doing something which does not seem work at all!

Being able to earn also helps you in providing the best for your kid, be it education or toys or clothes. As parents, we both are not very inclined towards providing high end and branded clothes and toys to our baby. Simple, uncomplicated and useful things impart the same knowledge as flossy, flashy things or toys do is our way of looking at it. This generation being very quick to learn and adaptive to changes is going to keep us on our toes and bringing them up is going to be a challenge of very different kind for us. The moral values have to be instilled very carefully in them as they will question every statement of ours. We never asked our parents the question why, but the same can't be expected from our kids. They will need an explanation for every thing we say and do and we have to carefully choose our words and actions. To get this to the children that though both the parents are earning, it is not easy money but hard earned money and I can't get everything and anything that comes out of my mouth is going to be very tough for the parents of our generation, I think. That is the reason it is said, bringing up a child is not a child's play. It requires a proper balance of good values and morals and habits. It requires immense patience and a will to make your child a good human being. Shining academically may or may not be possible for every kid, but helping him become a good human being is definitely in every parent's hands.

Let's all pray that the generation to come is fully equipped with all the good values, morals, positive energy to fight the vices and the wrong doers and emerge victorious in their respective fields. A lot of responsibility lies on our shoulders!!   

To my dear baby

 Dear Tanay,

You turned 8 months old just a while ago. And these 8 months have been phenomenal in my life. From the time of holding a tiny red bundle in my hands when you were just a few hours old till the time you started roaming all around the place on your stomach (though you crawl very well, but you are too lazy to do it), it is a journey to savor. Your cute and toothless innocent smile and squeals make me go weak in my knees and also bring tears to my eyes. The feeling of you belonging entirely to me is just out of this world. Every moment I spent with you was a moment of learning. Just as you took birth, the mother in me also took birth at the same time and so we both have been growing together since then.

You would be wondering nowadays, where does my mommy disappear in the morning? I see her only in the evening directly. Dear Sonny, I had to joined work because your daddy and I have to give you the best of everything and for that we both have to earn and take care of our careers too. Of course, you were and shall be our highest priority in life. Only that we have to divide time between our work and you. And you shall, no doubt, have the highest share, rather most of our time when we are all together. The first day to office after a long maternity break was very difficult to me and I was just physically present in office, my heart was with you all the time. I was calling home every 2 hours just to check on you. I knew you would be playing very nicely with your grandmother. You share a great rapport with her. In fact you are happy with anyone and everyone who is around you, who talks to you and plays with you. You are a very easy going baby when it comes to eating too. You are not fussy at all and enjoy every type of food which is introduced to you. Maybe you did not miss me, but I missed you a lot. I had spent every second with you from past 8 months that you were born and before that the entire 9 months when you were in my womb. So suddenly you not being around did leave me empty for some days, but then slowly I got adjusted. I waited to see your smiling face in the evening when I came back from office. Due to traffic in the peak hours, it so happened that I got very late and you were already asleep by then. I felt so bad, I wanted to wake you up and take you in my arms, but you were sleeping so soundly that I did not feel like disturbing you.

From next day onwards, I hired a driver and took the car to office daily. No doubt it costed me a lot, but then money is not really important than the time I get to spend with you in the evenings nowadays. I return home on time and get a few hours with you till you hit the bed. I feel very blessed when people say that you are a very cute, happy and ever smiling baby. I am sure you have inherited this trait from both your grandmoms and your dear daddy. You sleep on time, you get up early in the morning just like a big boy. You play on your own, but you need someone to be around in the vicinity which is ok for your age. You interact with every single person coming across with a nice, wide smile and that person is bound to be bowled over by this gesture of yours.

So, dear baby, I am going to miss some of your important milestones as I will be away in office. The very first things might be missed, but yes, I will always be there in every walk and talk of your life till you become independent and big enough to do things on your own. One day when you grow up and start understanding, I will tell you all this in person and I am sure you will bowl me over with your usual cute and innocent smile and say, Come on mommy, it's alright!

Bonding with pa

Sons and fathers have a different equation.

I saw it with my own eyes when I was in Germany. The man to man communication and the bonding was so very evident when Atul came home in the evening. Tanay might be also bored to see my face all the time from morning to evening. So he used to leap to Atul as soon as he was at the door. Even before changing clothes or getting fresh, Atul had to take Tanay in his arms and talk to him. Then after 10 minutes, he used to calm down and come to me so that Atul could change. After 7 pm, Tanay used to be in Atul's custody. I used to take care of the dinner and other remaining stuff.

It was so heartening to see them play together. Ideally, Tanay met his dad almost after 5 months, but as they say blood is thicker than anything else, they adjusted to each other as if they were always together. Atul did everything for Tanay except changing him after he did potty. But that is ok, I understand, he will take time to do that and I am sure, when he is alone with Tanay, he will even manage that. At nights, even putting him to sleep was Atul's task. He narrated the whole day's proceedings to him in the form of a song and within no time, Tanay was off to sleep. It was so good to see them together laugh with each other, do masti with each other. The father-son relationship has evolved over the time and I can see the difference when it comes to Atul and his father and when it comes to Tanay and his father!

It will be very interesting to see how both of them grow up with each other. They both are cool tempered and I will not be surprised if they both form one team and bully me with their pranks and talks!

Diwali dhamaka

This year unexpectedly, Tanay and I came back to India just before Diwali from Germany. Originally the plan was to return in December, but due to some change in plans, we all came back in last week of October. Then, I decided to spend Diwali in Pune with my in-laws. It was also the first Diwali of my baby boy and I wanted it to be special. Tanay's dad, however had to return to Germany as he works there. But some things can't be held and I hope to celebrate Diwali with him and Tanay next year at least!

I bought Tanay a cute little kurta pyjama and he looked super duper hit in that attire. I clicked a few snaps of him. Actually, any color suits him as he is fair and charming. We did the lakshmi pooja traditionally and just lit some crackers (which did not make any noise). Tanay was happy to see the area lit around him and he was not afraid of the crackers at all. I was fearing that we would cry due to the loud noises, but nothing happened and he proved himself to be a tough guy already!

There were a few guests to see and meet him, especially the people who were my in-laws friends. They all were happy to see such a smiling and happy baby. Tanay loves being with people and he does not have stranger anxiety at all. He is very sociable and he smiles at everyone. Only one friend of mine managed to come and see Tanay in Pune. She is a free lancer and hence could take out time. I had invited other friends of mine too, but they were busy with their office and couldn't manage. Hope to see them sometime soon!

This Diwali was special in the sense that Tanay was with us. His smile, his development, his laughter lights up our every single day. For me actually, every day, right from his birth is a celebration in it's own way because he gave birth to a mother in me just as I gave birth to him. In years to come, I hope, he has much more fun during this festival of lights and I would like to see him light up many more lives as he grows up just as he had done it for us!

The wonders of language

Scene 1:

Atul and I had been to Salzburg, Austria the last time I had come here. It is a beautiful city, clean and picturesque. We had taken a tour for the week end from a tourist agency. Everything was planned and executed very well. The cab came to pick us up from our location and there were 3 other pairs of people in our little van. 2 from Australia, 2 from UK, 2 from the USA and we were from India. The language which connected us was obviously English. I wondered, if there was no English, today we wouldn't have been able to interact with each other in the tour and it would have been so boring to sit like that seeing each others faces!

Scene 2:

There is a group of people in Karnataka, who share the same surnames as us, e.g. Velankar, Devdhar, Joshi etc., but speak the Chitpavani language. They are here since 4 generations and do not understand a word of Marathi, which is my mother-tongue. I came to know about the existence of such group when I came to Bangalore.We had been to a wedding in that group and again English came to our rescue. Their group and we were interacting in English! lol! Imagine again, if there was no English language, we, the people of same community (but separated due to location and language) wouldn't have been able to talk to each other. They do not speak Marathi and we do not speak Chitpavani.

Scene 3:

Last time, when I had come to Germany, we were staying in the guest house and there a lady called Maria served breakfast regularly. She was very strict and did not like people touching the bread etc. by bare hands. She often scolded people for being careless and dirty. I was initially scared of her, but once she got to know that I speak fluent German, she was totally a different person with me. She helped me find a good shop for buying chocolates at cheaper rates and she even gifted me when I came back to India. Once she got to know about my pregnancy, she sent nice gifts for the baby! Again, language came to our rescue here, where we both bonded over it.

Scene 4:

Here, in Germany, a Croatian woman comes for cleaning my apartment, twice a month. She speaks German, but with a very heavy accent. I understand German, which a commoner speaks. So the communication medium between her and me is her heavy accented German and then my understanding of her German and replying to her. Had I not known German, there would have been a big gap in our communication and we wouldn't have understood each other at all. She is a nice woman and she calls my little boy "Puppe" (doll). My boy is also happy to see Tante (aunt). She must be in her late 60s, but she calls herself aunt. She is very talkative and she does her work well. She calls me "Schatz" (dear), just because I offered her food when I was having lunch and she was immensely overwhelmed by it.

I was wondering, how and where this common language takes 2 people and how it binds them together for time to come. It helps them understand each other, to share their problems, joys, happiness with each other. It helps them to make better people and help each other in times of adversity. How I wish that different languages bind us all in a language of love and peace and makes this place a little better to exist instead of making it an issue and fighting over the language problem.

One month in Germany

This time it was different.

I had come thrice earlier to Germany, but in different roles. I had come here twice as a student and once after marriage, but before Tanay arrived. This time, I was a full time mother looking after my 5 months old son. And this was altogether a different experience.

Managing him alone without any help from the family members, friends was a great learning for me. Of course, Atul was biggest help. In the initial days, he cooked for us, made us feel at home by doing most of the things, he also went shopping for us. Once, I got into routine, I took over the cooking part and a little shopping part too. Due to which, I could take Tanay out for a ride and get him some fresh air. He immensely enjoyed those rides and smiled at everyone he saw. The Germans here were little surprised by his babbles, because usually German kids are given soothers all the time and I have hardly seen them cry or whine or talk in public. But this fellow enjoyed every little attention he got from the Germans. Especially the older generation, the grandmoms and grandpas came to talk to him and to see him. He smiled back to them and talked to them in his own sweet language.

Back at home, it was just Tanay and me from the time Atul went to office and came back in the evening. I am sure, Tanay must have felt bored seeing one face all the time. I tried in every possible way to enterian him, talk to him, play with him, sing him to sleep. There were other Indian families in the building, but they had their own routines and we hardly saw each other. I waited eagerly for Atul to come back every single evenning so that there was a third person at home and there was some interaction and noise in the house. I felt the pinch of absence of my near and dear ones greatly. In Bangalore, there were so many people around and also in the house and here suddenly there was just me, Tanay and Atul. But it completed our family, which was the biggest plus point of me coming here with Tanay. I even asked Atul, how on the earth he managed to stay alone all these months in this place. He said, he often thought of us and he talked to Tanay in his absence and told him all the things that happened during the day. I found it so heartening!

There is certain tinge of loneliness here unless you go out and work or have a really nice interacting group with whom you can talk and meet on daily basis. For a people person like me, this one month was of extreme patience and perseverance. I bonded with my son and my hubby, we were finally together after a very long time, which was the only and the biggest thing which helped me survive here.

Once my work starts, perhaps, I would be able to find other plus points of living here too! But as long as my son and my husband are with me, everything else should be secondary!

Amen!