The dilemma

My mother-in-law left for Pune today after spending two and a half months with us in Germany. And suddenly the house seems empty without her. Her presence is always soothing and has a calming effect on people when she smiles from deep within. She is very spiritual and the glow on her face and the deep understanding of people and life has come from not only this birth but also from many previous births of accumulating knowledge and good deeds which I believe very strongly. I so wish to be like her, but I think I am not ready yet and need much more deeper knowledge. We often held spiritual discussions and celebrated many occasions here. It's always good to have a parent around, no matter how old we grow. 

I don't like to go to the airports to say goodbyes to my parents or her. A part of me wants to leave everything that's here and go back to my motherland with them at the very moment. Often tears well up in my eyes when I have to say bye to them, but I don't want them to discover that.

My son has spent most of his life of 11 years in Germany. He likes it here and he will continue here as long as he likes it and suits him. He has his own choices and understanding. That's understandable. We, as parents have brought him here and we can't expect him to be entirely like us. He has his personality. People of my generation, the first-generation immigrants always have to walk on a tightrope. One always tends to hover mentally between the country where we were born and raised and were made capable of taking on the challenges of life and the other country, which has given us good money, a good standard of life, and a good job. 

What about mental peace, satisfaction, and a sense of belonging? Can we settle in this country and call ourselves a part of this country, culture, and people? Will others ever identify us as "Germans" if we settle down here with a German passport? Can we call ourselves Germans after knowing the language and integrating here? The answer would be an obvious no. 

I know so many people who say they are here for their kid's sake and that they will go back to India after the kids study and settle down. But I also know that they won't go back after spending all these years here and they will continue to miss the country where they were born and they will never be able to live a life to their fullest in this country. 

Are the things that I just expressed above gender specific? Do women miss their homeland more than men? Do women have a strong connection to the place they grew up and with their parents in general? I don't know. I don't want to generalize. Right now I have accepted that I need to be here to serve some higher purpose.

This dualism of being here or there will always exist in me and I wish and pray that Lord Rama gives me the courage and strength to go back and serve my motherland sometime in the future. 

Till then, how can I make up for not being in India? By representing India here through my good nature and hard work. By propagating Indian values and beliefs and by doing some good social work.  

What are your thoughts on this topic? Would love to read in the comments.