Reminiscences - 2013

As the clock ticks away and the figurative year 2013 comes to an end, I have amazingly managed to catch up on writing and post a few articles here and there, which should have been a fairly regular affair. I always say that and end up not writing. Nevertheless, I would today like to jot down a few random things that gave me an insight into the people and my life in this soon to be over year 2013.

In 2013, I realized that

- there is nothing like a 'bad' mother. Every mother, who is newly born with her baby faces, does face challenges and devises her own ways to cope up with them.

- Motherhood is not always blissful. It can be extremely tiring and mundane and exhausting sometimes. One need not feel great about it everyday. One can feel miserable about it sometimes!

- Euros can buy you anything and everything under the sun, alas not your loved ones.

- Euros can't always balance out the mental satisfaction one derives in working what one really really likes.

- German summers are not that pleasant and beautiful as I had imagined them to be. Your life can become torturous if you stay on the last floor and have no fans or Air Conditioners.

- People in this country can be extremely sweet and polite to you, but they will always keep you out of their lives and maintain a distance from you. Reasons, unknown! Maybe due to the color or due to the inability to trust and welcome someone of a foreign origin.

- You can be treated in an extremely rude and insensitive manner if you are loitering in the shops during the closing hours. No matter what they won't extend a single second of their precious services. Medical shops close at 1 pm on Saturdays and there are no regular pediatricians and other general physicians available on weekends. If you plan to die on a weekend, you will have to think twice and be ready to call an 'Emergency Service'.

- One can feel extremely lonely and homesick in the most economically developed country. Laptops, Tablets, Mobile Phones, Televisions can"t possibly replace human presence and their feelings.

- German colleagues, who are your very own teammates, can just ignore you even if you sit next to them in the train while coming to office. They do not do it purposely, it is just the way they are brought up. No one waits for you to start having food or no one pays for you when you go out for lunch unless specified likewise.

- Your neighbors can look through you and not wish you or greet you even if you show them all your teeth and make an effort to break the ice. I can never imagine this in India!!!

- Most of the Indians who come here on deputation or who are settled here for many years start considering themselves Germans, though they never find a place in the German race and culture. They start relying more on time and private space and run their lives by planning everything well in advance. The room for impromptu visits, inspite of several reminders and courtesy calls falls on deaf ears.

- Last, but not the least, it can be extremely amusing to watch your kid speak German and ask for a tissue and a fork at the table.

- The giggle and laugh of your kid can make you forget the boredom and his innovative ways to keep you busy can also test your patience.

On this note, I sign off and bid adieu to this year where initially I faced a lot of challenges in this country and the new role of a working mother. There was not a single external factor that was making my life difficult. I made peace with myself then and now live through it with a smile on the face. I am happy under all and any circumstances now!

2014.. Bring it on! 

The saving grace

As I mentioned in my earlier post about Atul's absence and Tanay's illness and the impending and boring atmosphere during the biggest festival of Europe, I was actually saved by my loved ones and how? Definitely with the help of technology to a great extent. Usually, I am of the opinion that the technology has enslaved the mankind, but in these 3 weeks, I was connected with my family and close friends through mobile phone, who gave me mental strength to be alone here, in this cold and hostile environment.

My colleagues, Mrunal, Shweta, Gauri made it a point to check on me daily, either by their presence or through whtapps. They stayed with me in the first week and helped me to sail smoothly through the first week. But in the later weeks, they all had already made plans for trips and hence they couldn't be there thereafter. My sister-in-law's brother and his wife, Jignesh and Rita stayed with me the longest and supported and helped me through the major tough times of Tanay's illness. I can't really thank them enough. They both soon became favorites of Tanay and he mixed with them quite well. They both pampered him and entertained him a lot. We all had a nice break with each other, there were things to share and talk and also take care of the little one. We saw movies, went out shopping, talked about the differences between Maharashtra, Gujrat, Karnataka, Delhi and Germany. In this place, we all shared a common bond, being Indian, being able to speak and understand Marathi. Rita cooked dishes for us and we shared a great rapport. I will definitely cherish this time with them and look forward to merry times again, minus the illness phase, of course!!!

My new friend, Arpita from the Marathi Muli in Stuttgart group on FB, was in touch with me constantly through mobile. She guided me to deal with Tanay's newly surfaced tantrums and gave me tips to deal with him in a quiet and peaceful manner. His illness, crankiness were taking a toll on my mental balance and I was somewhere losing it, but thanks to her, I learnt that kids go through this phase and it will soon wear out. My best friends, Sonali and Snehal from Bangalore were in touch with me asking me about the developments in Tanay's health. I felt so blessed to have these friends around. Though not physically, I was always there in their thoughts and prayers. They treat Tanay as their own son and they were worried about me being alone here managing everything. I would also like to mention a few other friends here who helped me with their kind words. Thanks Ralf, Deepu, Sharvari.

My mom, dad, both the grandmothers met me almost daily on Skype and tried to cheer me up. They tried boosting my morale with their kind words and acts, but I am sure, the circumstances here must have made them worry about me and Tanay. They didn't obviously show it on their faces, they wanted me to be strong and not lose patience, but I am sure, mom and dad would have sat their listless and prayed for us. Parents and parents, aren't they.. I wish I become a good parent like them for my little fella too!

I often thought to myself. Why was I feeling so lonely and helpless here? Germany has the best of the best technology, infrastructure. Things are quite simple and easy here, there is nothing to fight for here! Everything is taken care of, right from water, electricity, internet to means of transport and food. Then, why was I struggling mentally daily in and out without Atul? If Atul was here, I would have definitely not felt the pinch, but I realized that without him here, everything seemed so bleak and hopeless. Oh my, was I missing him amidst all the friends and the so-called 'freedom' which he claimed I would enjoy, when he would be away? Yes, I suppose, as I was not enjoying a bit of the freedom. Maybe I am a too emotional and dependent person and I need him to feel affirmative about things and circumstances in this foreign country. Am I wrong in feeling something like this? The feminists may not agree and even Atul may mock at me for being such a weak woman, but then that was what I genuinely faced and felt in these 3 weeks. I have stayed away from him quite a few times, but that was in India and with all my family and friends around. I did not feel so lonely and helpless then as I felt now in these 3 weeks in a country, where I could actually understand and speak the language. I realized that nothing and no one can substitute my dear husband's presence and the presence of loved ones, dear friends and family in my life. I am people person and I shall always be. I shouldn't be ashamed of myself when I say I need people to survive. I can't find bliss and peace in self and in being alone.

I have already warned Atul that he can't leave me and Tanay like this and go away on a personal holiday, no matter what he thinks and feels, we will follow him, wherever he goes, except on business trips, of course!!!

The saving grace has been and shall always be people and their Love for me!!!!

Would you agree?

Merry Christmas!!??

December is my most favorite month of the year.

In India it is the best time to go for picnics, outings, sit and chit chat with friends and yes, most of the weddings happen during this month, so it is a great time to catch up with relatives and friends. In Europe, in Germany, it is the beginning of Winter and the most important festival, Christmas falls in this month itself. The festivities begun right from the first week of Christmas here. The shops and streets are lit, there are discounts all over and people are as usual on a shopping spree and in holiday mood.

This year unfortunately, it was the most boring month for me, here in Germany. Atul was away in India for a holiday. Tanay and myself stayed back, though I so very wanted to go to India. But somehow, I convinced myself that I would be able to manage this front alone. I was so very wrong!! Barely 1 week passed by well as we both were busy with my office and his creche. But then suddenly my little baby developed conjunctivitis, thanks to the various infections that were hovering in his creche due to the onset of winter. I took him to the doctor and got medicines and then he developed ear infection with high fever. Again I had to rush to the emergency hospital and get him antibiotics. Fever subsided, but his health deteriorated. He became extremely cranky, fussy and irritable. The weather had also become so unpredictable and lousy that I couldn't take him out anywhere. Thankfully, a couple friend agreed to come over and stay with me so that I was not left struggling alone, managing sick Tanay, buying groceries etc. My office colleagues came on and off too, but as it was vacation time, they had plans and they felt sorry that they couldn't be with me. But I understand their situation and I can't thank all the people enough who in some form or the other were there when I needed their emotional support.

And to add to the spoilt mood, exactly on the Christmas day and the next, it rained a lot and it was very dull and grey outside. It was the saddest and most boring time of my life. I didn't see any person on the road, no noise, no sound, no celebrations in public, it wasn't even a white Christmas. All shops were closed for 2 days. Buses and trains were plying, though not regularly like on other days. I am sure the people would be celebrating with their own people in the confines of their homes, but for me, my people, Atul and my parents and friends all were away, in India. Tanay was of course there, but he is too small to give me company and understand the external factors. He was trying to find some entertainment in the things available at home. He suddenly got very possessive about mobile phones and laptops and I tried very badly to divert his attention, with little or no success. I thought, it will be all right, once his baba returns. So, I am waiting for our routine and lives to get back to normal!

Merry Christmas!?

Neeeeee

I really hope and wish this was the first and last Christmas, so dull and so gloomy and so sad!!